“I had a deep void inside of me. I felt invisible and hopeless. I did not believe that I deserved to be happy. It felt like I was stuck in a hopeless and futile loop, like no one really saw me.
It all started when I was bullied in primary school and continued throughout high school. From the age of nine, I had constant suicidal thoughts. I self-mutilated and took some anxiety tablets I got from a friend to try to cope.
I pretended to be alright on the outside but I was dying inside.
At the age of 16, I was diagnosed with severe depression, stress and anxiety. I was told that I needed anti-depressants.
I didn’t want to rely on medications for the rest of my life because I was raised in a Christian home and believed that God has the power to set people free from such things.
However, for someone dealing with depression, making a turnaround isn’t easy. It felt like my mind was clouded. Although I often heard about others who overcame depression, I didn’t really believe that it could also happen to me.
Though I was attending church services and participating in the youth group activities, I still felt alone and empty. I used to isolate myself and lash out at people close to me, especially my mother.
I didn’t love myself and didn’t think I had any reason to be alive.
Those feelings were very distressing, and I got tired of always feeling so low. So, I sought counselling in the church and learned that regardless of how I felt about myself, God still loved me and wanted to dwell in me through the Holy Spirit.
I decided to fully commit myself to God and live to please Him. I sought to understand God’s Word and to have the plenitude of the life He promised.
I sought God wholeheartedly and He blessed me with His Spirit. I cannot forget the day God confirmed to me that He was with me and that He loved me. It was not a feeling but assurance I never had before. For the first time, I saw the world in colour. The darkness that was in me disappeared.
Now I am no longer suicidal and I am completely free from depression. I have the joy and happiness that come from God. Even when challenges arise, I know I am not alone. God is always there, encouraging me to be the best version of myself,” said Buhle.
